My very darkest feelings. I do to have have found the cure. I've only just learned how it feels to be able to properly use my mind. I don't feel sad. But every day i feel a deep dread. I'm not afraid of tomorrow. But it feels like one day ill be old and just know that nothing ever happened, nothing felt like it ever mattered. Every conscious moment I am thinking about my life, my being. How i think, why I'm the way i am, why i react and feel certain things. I don't ever feel like i have a proper answer. Id just like some sort of permanent distraction. But anything i do never feels right and always leads me back to questioning myself. I don't think ill ever have a support system. I don't feel close to anyone really. I don't enjoy others that much. I get bored of people very quickly. And if i feel like im constantly questioning myself, just imagine how I'm constantly questioning the motives of others. But frankly i don't care enough for other people either. Even people i cared about, not knowing them anymore doesn't really make me feel any different. Jamie meant so much to me. But after his death i often think that it'd been better to never have known him. Now i feel that same feeling with Myjo. Soon he'll be dead. And I'll just feel so empty again. I understand that's not a healthy perspective. But i don't think that will ever shift. My most intense feelings are that of dread. Sometimes pain. More sharp than sadness, emptier than suffering. Its always the negative experiences that stand out. Positive moments dort feel anywhere near as significant, and they only linger and fade quickly. Then im left with a moment that i know should have been good. But i have no idea how it felt. I know what deep-cutting pain feels like. I can't remember unconditional happiness. So a cure to a hopeless perspective? Firstly, it will never hurt less. This pain you will carry forever. But every morning you keep on getting up, standing and walking, your burden will get a little lighter. You just need to keep on day for day. And that's the hard part. Or put in other words: You ask, So how can we keep on living? Lets talk about that tomorrow. Or in a week. Maybe after a couple months. Years. Decades. When we are old and dying, we can talk about that. Until then, we just are.